The time for anxious anticipation is over, for today, I bring you the long-awaited interview with none other than Mr. Frederick Regency Raptor! Since Fred and I have been nominated for the Versatile Blogger by both Jennifer Groepl and Mel Corbett (thanks guys!), we’ve decided to include these questions as part of our interview.
Fred: Correction–you’ve included them in your interview questions. I was not consulted on this matter.
Ari: Does it bother you or something?
Ari: Uhh…okay. Fine, whatever. Anyhow, I figured we would start by going back to the very beginning, taking a look at some of your earliest recollections, move forward chronologically, and then end with the seven random facts from the Versatile Blogger award. So without further ado–oh, wait. Would you like some tea, Fred?
Fred: *extending one claw with a teacup perfectly balanced on it* Must you ask?
Ari: Well, it’s polite. And I didn’t exactly expect you to refuse. *pours tea, then sits back in her chair with her own cup* So, we’re about to embark on a strange and fantastical journey into the mind of one of the great raptors of this age.
Fred: That is hardly a compliment, Miss Mango. It isn’t as though there are a great many of us IN this age.
Ari: Um. But it’s not an insult either. *sotto voce* FredwillyoupleasestopinterruptingorsohelpmeIwillputleavesinyourmeat.
Fred: Oh, the horror. You do realize I regularly consume an infusion of camelia sinensis, don’t you? *raises teacup*
Ari: OKAY. Okayokayokay, let’s just get on with the interview (before I do something I’ll regret). SO, Fred. Tell us about your early years.
Fred: Wouldn’t they be the same as your early years? I mean, I did come from your imagination.
Ari: *narrows eyes*
Fred: *swirls the tea in his teacup and smiles smugly*
Ari: You’re allowed to have a backstory in my imagination.
Fred: Well I don’t want to talk about it.
Ari: I…well, fine.
Ari: Well then. *mumbles in irritation and flips through her notes* Umm.
Fred: Perhaps we could begin with the random facts instead?
Ari: Right. Whatever. Go for it.
Fred: Fact #1: When I was but a wee raptorling, my greatest goal in life was to be an anthropologist and to go dig up human bones.
Ari: *stares* All right, now I know you’re just making fun of me.
Fred: I am not. It is only natural to be curious about buried bones–you of all people should know. Yes, I daresay I was rather enamoured of the idea of discovering the “missing link” you humans are always so desperate to find. Possibly the accompanying fame and glory would be some of the appeal, although pure scientific curiosity was also a factor. I’ve actually become an amateur collector in recent years. I’ve got some lovely Homo neanderthalensis teeth tucked away in my study; I could show you later.
Ari: Wow. I had no idea. Sure, I’d be curious to see those. So, Fact #2?
Fred: Fact #2–I cannot eat caramel.
Ari: Nooo! Why?
Fred: It disagrees with my stomach. Sad, but true. A most unfortunate fluke of body chemistry.
Ari: Oh man. I am so sorry if I’ve ever eaten caramel in your presence. I just mean, I didn’t mean to taunt you or anything–
Fred: No, it’s quite all right. *shifts awkwardly in chair* Erm, so anyhow. Fact #3–I have no nerve endings in my left eye ridge.
Ari: …can I poke it?
Fred: No. Fact #4–I love cats.
Ari: *bursts out laughing*
Fred: *peevishly* What? There is nothing wrong with–
Ari: *still giggling* No! I’m not–I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. Plus, we all know about your little lolcat penchant already. It just made me think of the cat lady song, that’s all. Wait, Fred, are you blushing?
Fred: What‽ No! No, I am not. No blushing whatsoever. You are mistaken; I do not possess the proper complexion for…I mean, moving on. Speaking of incredulous exclamations, my favorite punctuation mark is the interrobang.
Fred: Precisely. I’m glad you caught on so quickly. Normally it takes people a little while to grasp the concept. The interrobang (‽) is a most useful piece of punctuation. I’m surprised it’s not more commonly used; I should think teenagers would find interrobangs particularly serviceable.
Ari: I’m sorry, that just sounds wrong.
Fred: In what sense?
Ari: Never mind.
Fred: All right. Fact #5–I plan to learn four new languages in the next 10 years.
Ari: Wow, that’s a pretty ambitious goal. Are you sure you don’t want to make it something a little more manageable? Say, two languages?
Fred: I cannot delay. I have a schedule to follow. Having mastered German, Italian, Norwegian, and Turkish in the next decade, I shall then move on to Arabic, Chinese, Portuguese, and Dutch.
Ari: No Spanish, I see?
Fred: No. I currently have no interest in learning Spanish.
Ari: Glad I’m not the only one. And Fact #6?
Fred: Fact #6–Crème brûlée is a food fit for gods.
Ari: Well, I agree…but that’s not a fact about–
Fred: And Fact #7–my favorite scent is the smell of my study. It is a lovely mélange of wood paneling, yellowing pages, smoke from the fire, and hot tea on a cold day. Mmm.
Ari: Awesome. Well, we’ve come to the end of our seven questions, and it is way past my bedtime. I’m afraid I’ll have to end things here and come back to add the list of people we’re tagging for the award in the morning. In the meantime, thank you for chatting, Fred!
Fred: A pleasure, as always, Miss Mango.
Ari: And thank you to all of you for reading! *aside* Fred, we really need a name for them.
Fred: Hannah Moskowitz calls her followers “magic gay fish”.
Ari: Hmm. Must ponder. In the meantime, goodnight!